I am inquisitive by nature. I always want to know the reasons why for something, why I operate the way that I do. What made me complicate my life for so many years?
With all my questions and all my answers to those questions, all the inner work, working tirelessly to reconnect my mind to my body and spirit, there was still a hole deep inside. There was an empty space within my heart.
People tried to tell me that I needed to find God, that I needed a spiritual guide, and various assorted other pieces of advice; most were unsolicited.
I knew what I needed. I didn’t know how to find it nor what I would do once I did.
I needed to find a home within myself. I needed safety, security, inner peace, and my inner child needed the same. I needed a connection with myself.
I needed to belong.
Connection is more than fellowships, friendships, intimate relationships. Genuine connection is about unconditional acceptance and love. While we can provide that for ourselves, we also need that level of connection with others. The first place that we experience this level of connection is through our mother.
Sadly some people like myself missed that connection. Some of us were abandoned, some estranged, some are stolen, while others, unfortunately, miss that connection through death.
Recently I experienced an opportunity that few rarely get. A door was opened, which granted me insights into parts of my past which I believed I would never find answers for.
I want to share with you an excerpt from my book Unbound 100 Days of Intent. Though my story is unchanged, the outcome of my story left me feeling connected and whole.
“I’m sorry you weren’t rocked or held like you wanted to be. I’m sorry you were so alone, little one. You rocked yourself to sleep, played alone; brother played with you outside when he was in the mood. You did the best you could for your mother.
Sherri, you were so little, and you tried to follow all her rules and never make a fuss around her. The massive amount of rules she demanded to be observed was overwhelming. You only wanted to please her so she wouldn’t be so mad at you all the time.
I’m especially sorry you had to hear those words she said to you, the names she called you. I believe she loved you but wasn’t sure how to show it. She was hurt too, but couldn’t express it.
We’ll never know why, but she had to have loved you to be so hurtful with her words. It was only her protecting her heart, just as I’ve said words that hurt others to protect mine.” – Unbound 100 Days of Intent
Through a series of questions and discoveries, I located the maternal side of my family, who were as anxious and excited to meet me as I was to meet them.
I asked the question to each family member I spoke with, “What happened to her?” After several hours of intense discussion, I began to form an understanding of who this mysterious woman was.
The woman who gave birth to me, who I felt had rejected and abandoned me at an early age.
Learning that I wasn’t abandoned, that she had indeed thought of me, that she grieved to the end of her life the loss of her children, was heartbreaking. However, simultaneously my inner child felt secure and safe for the first time since I began my trauma recovery journey.
I spent a few moments with her at her resting place, talking to her and visualizing my story coming alive at that place, with her hugging me, laughing through the tears, and leaving together to go home.
There was an overwhelming sense of validation hearing my family, her family, share the same stories with me that I remembered. They filled in the spaces that were blocked because of traumatic events. In one afternoon, they were able to help me unbind what I had spent a lifetime trying to release.
It wasn’t a release I needed. I needed to reunite my inner child with her absent mother.
They shared her life stories as a young woman and who she was in her later years. So much of what they told me, I instinctively knew. I knew a mother would not willingly give up her child, not without reason, a fight, or threats. My mother didn’t give up on her love for me.
The tears of my inner child are stopped. Since meeting my family, I’ve not had a day where I felt unsafe or unloved or questioned if I belong someplace. My heart feels at peace. We found each other.
I feel my mother’s presence with my inner child.
A dear friend of mine once said, “The destination is the journey.” My journey is taking a new direction. I can now place my energy into assisting other trauma survivors to believe and find their way home. Perhaps not to parents or caregivers, but home to themselves and their inner child.
I shared my story and spoke the truth to find my truth. I discovered it wasn’t healing I was after. It was becoming whole and discovering myself as a complete woman.
I’m going to where I’m called, the place I belong. I’m going home where I can share and Grow with Love.
Hear the this story on my podcast, UNBOUND
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