It’s painful not to believe what you know.
When you know your value, your worth, that you are impeccable (a good person) and hold intimate knowledge of what others see in you, but you don’t believe it yourself, it can twist you up and knots inside.
There’s an emotionally painful loop with the same question, “Why can’t I just believe?” You return to the same thoughts and probably behaviors that can lead to stalling your recovery path and walk through too many revolving emotionally dysregulated doors.
Disbelief is a common struggle for survivors (most if we are honest with ourselves). In relationships, this dilemma looks like we are manipulative, seeking extra attention or validation — not a very attractive behavior to show our partners, friends, co-workers, or ourselves.
As childhood abuse survivors, we were not provided the opportunity to develop a belief in our worth. We didn’t hold the cognitive capacity to comprehend that how we were treated wasn’t about us but instead a projection of our caregiver’s unresolved pain and conditioning.
We learned to believe that how we were treated was what we were worth, then carried that belief into adulthood.
But just because we KNOW something doesn’t mean we believe it. Interesting paradigm, isn’t it?
How do we get out of this loop? The process is more than “just getting over it” or snapping out of it because somebody says, “Why can’t you believe what I see?”
Here’s the dilemma. I know the process of developing belief in yourself begins with awareness.☑️
Next, we bring our awareness to acceptance. ☑️
Then, we learn we are to trust ourselves ❌
This is where the mind-body connection comes to a brick wall. Most of us need tangible proof; we need validation.
Many, myself included, seek external validation (proof) of what we know to be true due to our insecure attachment styles and survival skills. I tend to lean into the hard evidence; seeing is believing for me because it’s tangible.
Today, I am challenging myself to BELIEVE what I FEEL.
⚠️ Here’s what I know. Stopping this loop and learning to believe involves practicing disconfirmations, accepting what I know to be true, and disproving the negative beliefs. It’s about self-validation (disconfirmation vs. affirmation).
• Can I prove my worth? Yes, by my actions and achievements. I can verify and validate this.
• Can I prove I am capable of feeling? Yes. I can identify and validate all emotions I experience in my body.
• Can I prove that I feel those emotions? Yes. I can recall multiple examples of empathy for others and prove I can physically feel. I can’t see my emotions, but resulting actions are tangible proof.
• Can I prove that I am a terrible person? NOPE. I can disconfirm every negative belief I hold about myself, and so can you.
➡️ It should stop right here…but it doesn’t.
So far, any argument I give to myself (I do that a lot!) cannot prove to be true the negative thoughts I think of myself, regardless of what I might have previously believed. This tells me what I feel must be true.
All my negative thoughts prove to be invalid arguments — ” an argument in which the premises do not provide conclusive reasons for the conclusion.”
So then, what stops us from believing what we know and what we feel? Well, it’s pretty hard to argue with tangible proof.
We put up resistance and disbelief that we CAN feel anything different than what we think we know. Perhaps it is true: what you believe is what you’ll become.
In some ways, I hope that’s true because if what I think is what I know, then what I know is that I am worthy of all the good things in life, and so are you.
There is so much more to this than what I can write in this space. For today, I invite you to sit with this valid argument I am making on behalf of your inner child. Think about it and see if you can come up with ANY tangible proof that you are not worthy of a better life or Growing with Love.