Winter was always valid as an excuse for me to admire the world from a distance without guilting myself into anxiety and worry that I am not Being or Doing enough. But why only in the cold months?
Most people would agree a cozy warm blanket and hot drink are preferred over the cold and wet weather outside. However, Summer holds a different expectation. I “should” want to go outside in the summer to play, picnic, camp, swim, hike, and in general to be “free.” I don’t have a valid excuse for staying home in Summer other than it’s too hot or the mosquitos are too thick, followed by waves of guilt and anxiety for “not being enough.”
My reality tells me I don’t need an excuse for not doing what I am uncomfortable with. I simply didn’t want to face the truth that I prefer serene, small gatherings over crowded and noisy spaces/places ANY time of the year, no matter the weather. I
conditioned myself to believe I “should” like busy places and activities at all times because society says I should, followed by bouts of worry about having to go out in public which can lead to anxiety.
Guilting myself into being enough was not working for me. Living Deliberately Unbound asks me to Acknowledge and Accept the reality I AM enough no matter what environment I prefer or when.
Why guilt myself about anxiety over what my needs and wants are, leaving me with dysregulated emotions and chipping away at my self-worth? I cannot find a justifiable reason for this action other than the old belief to fit in I must be an imposter. What I like or do not like does not make me any more or less worthy of a person.
I learned something today that collapsed one of my worldviews about my environmental preferences and associated anxiety. Try to be anxious or worry deliberately. What comes up for you when you do?
Yes, I can Choose to unconsciously worry about being in public and perhaps think myself into anxiety. But to do so deliberately? I simply could not conjure either feeling.
Once we are Aware, we cannot make ourselves unaware. When I Acknowledge my reality that I don’t like being in public I cannot deliberately worry or create anxiety.
So, I am left with my truth: I Am Enough, and I Am Also More, no matter the time of day or season. My preferences don’t make a difference to my worth. Believing that I am enough is what matters.
To Be Continued