I know how painful it is when you learn the truth that someone isn’t attracted to you the way you are to them.
Please, ask yourself this question before you get too deep. Are you attracted to that person, or is it the idea of being accepted and belonging, of being loved by someone (the love you didn’t receive as a child) that’s the foundation for this attraction?
If you are genuinely attracted to them, and your affection isn’t reciprocated, it sucks, but it’s okay.
But, if you recognize that you are consistently being drawn to the same type of people, fawning over them, and then experiencing the same feelings of rejection each time, perhaps it’s time to recognize it’s not about you, but it’s about your past.
You need to know a hard truth. This is happening because you are not placing your need for self-love first. You’re setting the needs of others and their happiness ahead of yours in hopes they will approve of you.
But you don’t need their approval. You only need yours.
You continue this pattern because of an unaddressed abandonment wound. There is an explanation that can help that hurt to subside and stop the self-victimization cycle.
The unaddressed abandonment wound leads to codependency, the need for control, insecure attachment styles, low self-worth, and fears of being alone, to name a few.
We might think that someone is attracted to us because they were kind, showed us care, gave us time and attention, or showed us compassion. We build a story in our heads that they are attracted to us, and in some extreme cases, we might even believe that they’re in love with us. Sometimes we can tell ourselves stories that we can make them love us. We build expectations of the unsuspecting person in our minds.
But, when the truth is made known to us that they are not in love with us, we may believe we are being rejected because there’s something about us that is unacceptable; that we are not worthy of being loved.
We need to take time to explore who we are, allow ourselves a chance to heal our childhood wounds from within, so we can learn to form a healthy relationship with ourselves first.
This requires making the unconscious conscious.
When our self-love is present, we can build our confidence and the courage needed to do the inner work.
Trust me. I know what I’m talking about here. I’ve been caught up with the same fantasies that I was attracted to someone, and they were reciprocating the emotion. I told myself that because someone showed me kindness and care, perhaps there was a more profound bond forming; maybe they were in love with me and were just afraid to tell me.
I’ve told myself all kinds of stories and hopes of belonging to someone because I didn’t want to be alone facing the truth with myself.
Recognizing the truth was painful, but after deeper reflection, I realized my abandonment wound was causing fear of being alone; that if I was alone, it must mean that I am unworthy of love.
We must give ourselves the love we deserve first before we can give that love away to another. I’ve learned the hard way to show my passion first to myself. I had to separate myself and focus on my needs, learn how to state my wants, and set firm boundaries with myself as part of my recovery from my abandonment wound.
As you heal from your core wounds, please remember, you can unhook from the cycle of unhealthy expectations placed on others. When you unbind from your past, you can learn to focus on meeting your most significant need: self-love.
What would it look like if you gave yourself the same love that you give to others?
Grow with Love.